You Can Look, But You Can't Touch

Three weeks before Summerslam, Michelle McCool made her latest appearance. Prior to this, she had only made one minor appearance with Damien Sandow on an episode of Warfare. Besides that, the only other time she had appeared on a live televised event was the July 14^th edition of Warfare. She was in a championship bout against one of the latest crazes, or “crazies”, in her her opinion, Sasha Banks, and had nearly lost her title at the hands of Summer Rae and Eva Marie. Since then, she hadn’t been in a match. Now that her latest championship match was drawing closer, she began to appear more and more in what some could easily describe as a series of unfortunate events. Whether it was unfortunate for Michelle, or her opponent, that was business for others to discuss, because for her she felt… No, she knew she had the upper hand going into this match.

Go back to Warfare, August 11^th, in Houston, Texas, where after being MIA for a few weeks, Michelle was back on tv. Backstage, she ran into her opponent for Summerslam, 2014 Queen of the Ring Winner Brie Bella. Or, more like Brie ran into her. The encounter, as brief as it was, still showed the apparent animosity between the two and was the kickoff to launch their rivalry to the next level. The following week, Michelle took it upon herself to attack Brie, the week before Summerslam. Brie had surprisingly returned the favor and at this point, it seemed things were even. But not for Michelle. It was time to get her opponent back and put her in her place: back at the bottom of the brackets.

Having a little bit of time off from the ring was the perfect opportunity for Michelle to get things moving and focus solely on her upcoming title defense. Most would take the chance to rest up and recuperate, but for her there was no time to waste. She’d spent the past weeks preparing ideas for videos, promotional packages, and interviews to be used for the Pay-per-view. When everything was finished and ready to be broadcast, she was immensely satisfied. All of the work put in was worth it in the end, and she knew that whether or not people gave her those sideways looks for what she said, she didn’t care. Michelle very well knew that Brie would be giving her all, just as she was. But that was expected. It was, also, probably the only other thing she knew about Brie. The few times they’d met it was nothing shy of a brief conversation or a simple hello. At one point, they’d even ran into each other at the gym, which had been the longest they’d ever been together in the same room. Even then, the encounter wasn’t enough for Michelle to figure out who Brie was outside of the ring. What she did know was that she was in for a fight at Summerslam. Everything Michelle was doing was planned and going to be carefully executed. It’d bring more attention to her, and that was exactly what she needed . As more divas came into the division and her not being on camera as much, some of the limelight she had slowly drifted away to shine on the up and coming ladies. The fact there were newly crowned diva’s tag team champions, and Brie Bella became Queen of the Ring didn’t help much either. Now was the time to take her division back, and show everyone who was on top. Not the diva’s tag team champions, not the Beautiful People, (or what was left of them), and certainly not the Queen of the Ring winner. This was her house, and as long as Michelle was champion, it would remain that way.

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The first part of her promotional package was set to be revealed on the company website in 48 hours. Michelle was excited. This was something she’d never done before. She wouldn’t have come up with the idea if she hadn’t found the time to catch a few minutes of something on tv: Ellen. That fateful day allowed her to come up with the idea she wanted to make happen and share with the EBWF universe. Ellen’s guest that episode was none other than late night television’s premiere comedienne, Chelsea Handler. She was famous for her raunchy stand up performances. Michelle loved watching her talk show when she had the chance. So, at that moment, her mind was set.

She’d go to a comedy club.

As funny as that sounded, she was serious. What better way to talk about her opponent than to go out on the town and promote the pay-per-view as well? Summerslam was known for its "blockbuster" theme. Whether they hated her guts or absolutely adored her, fans would be interested and no doubt want to see what the women’s champion would come up with for her next title defense.

*****

Presently, the women's champion was behind a dark curtain as the stage staff finished up their duties, making sure everything was just right. The goal was for this taping to be the final run through and have it finished within the next two days. She was with Renee Young, who was getting last minute touch ups on her make-up alongside Michelle. When the make-up artists were finished, Michelle took a deep breath and smiled at Renee.

Michelle: Thanks for coming out here and doing this with me, Renee. This is gonna be gold!

Renee nodded and smiled back to Michelle. Both were handed microphones by a stagehand.

“10 seconds and you’re on, Renee.”

Renee Young: You’ll be great, get out there and put on a show for everyone! Have fun.

Show Host: Without further ado, please put your hands together for the charming, and beautiful, EBWF’s own Renee Young!

The resident interviewer gave Michelle a wink, then walked out onto the stage. The audience clapped and cheered for her welcomingly.

Renee Young: Thank you! That guy is quite the charmer himself. Our next guest is no stranger to live performances. Her day job demands a daunting task like this on a daily basis, requiring her to perform physical improv, rather than comedic, as well as putting forth her camera and speaking skills to promote herself and the company she works for. That company just happens to be the top wrestling promotion in the World: The EBWF! So, please welcome their current Women’s Champion, who will be participating in the Summerslam Pay-per-view  live THIS Sunday… Michelle McCool!

Her theme music played and the studio erupted with applause as Renee made her exit, leaving the floor to Michelle. A few knowledgeable wrestling fans had brought signs and held them up, booing Michelle and she pointed to them in acknowledgement.

Michelle: YES! Thank you all back there. That’s what I live for. I love that people hate me. They don’t call me McCruel for nothin’.

A few people laughed in the audience. Since Renee had left the stage, it was only Michelle, a stool, a microphone stand, and the spotlight. She held the microphone in her hand, and was standing center stage smiling to herself. The outfit she wore was definitely flashy. Perfect for a live performance with a studio audience. A grey vest with decorative chain loosely embellishing it, covering where the rest of her halter top would be had it not been cut off at the midriff. To continue the theme she beared skin tight black jeans, hugged even closer to her body by a bedazzled belt, which led down into knee high leather boots. She had a few bracelets on her left arm, and her hair was flowing past her shoulders in those trademark wavy locks of gold to complete the set. For a moment she couldn’t find her words, and simply folded one of her arms over her body to allow the hand holding the mic to rest upon it. She slowly brought it to her lips.

Michelle: I hope you all are ready. Because I’m about to verbally assault somebody, as one of my coworkers would so graciously say.

With that statement came another wave of approval, and of course, a few stray boos from those who know Michelle from the EBWF. She was enjoying how easy it was to get a reaction out of the crowd. This wasn’t like a wrestling event. In a club like this, people paid to hear you rip on anyone and everyone.

Michelle: Before we get started I have to ask, how many of you actually keep up with EBWF? Watch the shows, know who’s who?

Quite a bit of people in the audience put their hands in the air and cheered. A man even yelled out her catchphrase: “You’re Flawless!” Michelle was loving the attention.

Michelle: Aww, thank you, I don’t know that I could say the same about you, but still, thank you!

The audience laughed. They didn’t boo. She definitely enjoyed this.

Michelle: It’s good to have people on your side, you know? Fans of EBWF know I’m far from nice and I have a hard time making friends. I can count the number of allies, if I can even call them that, on one hand. They probably aren’t even my real friends. They just aren’t my enemies. But there’s someone I’m going to be facing this Sunday at Summerslam I’m sure you’ve all heard about. She is definitely not my friend. At this stage of the game she is my sworn enemy because she is supposedly gunning for my women’s championship. Can ya’ll believe that?!

As she continued, the EBWF Women’s title was wheeled out on a cart, rested upon a purple, satin pillow. It glistened in the lights of the stage, polished to perfection. She walked over to the cart and stood beside it, momentarily posing to show it off.

Michelle: Her name is Brie Bella. And Brie wants to take this beautiful, prized possession of mine this Sunday. Now I know this might sound a bit harsh, but... That makes me want to pummel little Brie Bella with a manhole cover. See this Brie? This coveted title that I have and you don’t? You can look, but you can’t touch. Ever. You probably never will either. The closest you will ever be to this belt is when the referee holds it up in the center of the ring Sunday night. I’ve met some pretty crazy people that are  in way over their heads, but I think Brie Bella is the worst there is of the kind. She is truly delusional and has to be THE biggest contradiction the EBWF has ever seen,. It’s quite embarrassing. She’s made the EBWF Women’s division even more of a joke since she’s come back, and that says a lot. Because, if you haven’t noticed, a lot of clowns are running rampant in the women's division. Brie is like this live, walking screw up. Of course there’s her disproportionately large head somehow staying… Bolstered above those frumpy shoulders, then there’s the absurd notion that she has never gotten shots at this championship, but we’ll save that for another time…

A few “ooooh’s” were heard in the audience at some of Michelle’s first few digs. But this was only the beginning. Michelle walked a little farther off stage to the side, standing in front of the velvet curtains as a screen began to lower itself, facing the audience. The lights in the studio dimmed and a black and white image was projected onto the screen. It was an exclusive video on EBWF.net from the King of the Ring pay-per-view. And in the center of the paused video, the Queen of the Ring winner herself, Brie Bella.

Michelle: Right now, I want to show you this video. Aww lookit, “Queen Brie”. This was her promotional video for the Queen of the Ring tournament. Can I just point out, first of all, where are the rest of her pants? That get up is atrocious.

Michelle was referring to Brie's ring attire. She held her hands out to her side questioningly as the crowd got a bit of a laugh. But in a split second Michelle wasn’t smiling. She had a look of fear on her face and began inching closer to the screen. Of course she wasn’t really scared; she just exaggerated for the theatric nature of the performance. When she got to the screen, she pointed at the bottom left corner by the pause button at the time stamp.

Michelle: Are you seeing this right now? This video is 10 minutes long!

For more dramatic effect, the screen had a quick transition to enlarge the numbers for the audience to see, before it returned back to the frozen Brie.

Michelle: And that isn’t even the worst part. 10 minutes for a video isn’t all that bad, but she talks the entire 10 minutes. It’s just her, in this empty arena, talking to the camera for 10. Minutes. Straight. Could you imagine if I came to this show with no eye candy—I’m talking about myself of course-- no sparkly championship to look at, no movement, just me, standing center stage, talking to you all? That is EXACTLY what Brie does in this video! Actually... It's what Brie does in a lot of her videos...

She paused for a moment to walk back over to the stool that stood behind the microphone stand, and took a seat upon it, shaking her head. She looked over her shoulder at the screen, listening to the audience give a little response to what was just said. It was still dark in the studio, other than the seating area which was dimly lit and the spotlight on Michelle, with the projection behind her.

Michelle: And you people wouldn’t have to watch even if I paid you. I, on the other hand, had to force myself to sit through this yuppie monologue for the ages. I needed to do my homework and keep up with Brie, Velvet Sky, and AJ Lee, because any of them could have been my opponent this Sunday at Summerslam. I watched all of their videos, and Brie’s was by far the hardest to push through. I’m about to break out a monogloue of my own, are you ready?

She closed her eyes and held a hand out in front of her making a swooping motion in the front of her face, apparently trying to set the tone. When she was ready, she put a hand out in front of her, gesturing when needed.

Michelle: Okay Briella, I really didn’t know if I’d make it all the way through that video whenever I watched it. There was absolutely nothing going on there. But, a couple of hours and a few coffee breaks later, I finished. Keep in mind this was only a 10 minute video. Got it? Good. And I was highly impressed…….… Not.

At last the audience began to give Michelle a little heat. She shrugged it off and crossed one leg over the other. The cameras cut to the live audience, showing the group of fans that held up “Michelle sucks” signs and a majority of the crowd beginning to shake their heads. It wasn’t known whether they weren’t digging Michelle at the moment, or weren’t that impressed with Brie’s video either.

Michelle: Get this, the video was also sub-titled “The Chrysalis”. Like those little things that caterpillars crawl into. Apparently Brie sees herself as this caterpillar getting ready to morph into a butterfly. One silly, stupid butterfly... So Queen Brie is basically telling us she’s this hollow shell of nothing. More like a cocoon though. She’s stale and eventually will turn into this ugly furry moth thing. Seems pretty fitting considering this lady looks like she sustains life by eating paper… Breaaaakable!

Whispered the last word into the mic and covered it with her hand to act like she was hiding from the crowd. No one was laughing now. They’d turned on her. She laughed at her own cheesy joke and even slapped her knee, before standing up and walking behind the stool, leaning over it and resting her hands on it in the process. The women’s champion picked up where she left off.

Michelle: They should call for an intermission in ALL of her videos, not just this one in particular, because they’re that long.. And boring. Lifetime could even license it and turn it into a tv show! If you want a migraine, go sit through one of Brie Bella’s videos. Whether that migraine will be self-inflicted by banging your head against the wall, or from hearing her give her best Sandra Bullock, I don’t know. That’s your problem, not mine. What IS my problem though, is I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Brie actually won the Queen of the Ring tournament. In all honesty, I think that whenever her video was presented, Stephanie McMahon stopped halfway through and decided to hand her the win because she didn’t wanna sit through it all. I actually feel sorry for AJ Lee and Velvet Sky, because they never stood a chance. I can’t take you seriously, Brie. You making it through Queen of the Ring was sheer luck. You won’t survive on your own and I’ll personally see to it. 

Now she was standing up tall and made her way to the edge of the stage, where she took a seat, letting her long legs dangle. The first row was only a few feet away.

Michelle: No one wants to listen to 10 minutes of drab, lifeless talk in a video. Let alone from you Brie, of all people. How can you put these poor, penniless losers through that? Going out there, standing in the middle of a ring, or heaven forbid in front of a MIRROR just… Speaking. That’s like, Tumblr quote deep. ”Standing in front of a mirror talking to yourself.”—Brie Bella. No one wants to hear that. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. These fans easily write off diva’s matches as bathroom breaks. And this is just being realistic. Which so far you’ve proven thinking realistically is not your strong suit. Sure it’s different, seeing a girl on the mic in the ring, but no other woman in the division does that because we know it will never work in our favor. You, Brie Bella, being the prime example.

An overwhelming amount of boos from the audience forced Michelle to cut off. She held her hands out beside her and had an indifferent look on her face, and pushed her legs out back and forth in front of her innocently. When she found the chance to speak and be heard she took it.

Michelle: I have to give some props though—to myself, not Brie. I am pretty good at what I do. That's why I'm champion. I mean, get a load of you sheeple; not that long ago you were cheering and on your feet for me. Now you can’t even look at me!

She hopped off the edge of the stage and walked right up to a man who had a hand over his mouth, shaking his head.

Michelle: Aww, am I making you mad? Does it upset you that I’m better than your beloved Queen Brie?! Well SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP. I’m going to be candid with you folks.

The blonde had yelled at the man without speaking directly into the mic, and it carried all the way through the studio. There was more heat as the diva began to walk down the first row as she spoke.

Michelle: Yeah, I'm very talented when it comes to addressing lazy, worthless wannabes like you. But you don’t see me planting myself in the middle of the ring and try to talk a big game because I know that does nothing for me. I go out to you people. It keeps things far more interesting. Hence the reason I took my talents to this lovely local hellhole. You all should be on your knees bowing down to me right now because I am the queen. Me! Not Brie Bella!

Michelle stopped in front of a woman at the end of the row.

Michelle: Whatever puts butts in seats, right?

She scoffed at the reference to Brie’s video she made with a smirk and patted the woman on the head before taking a different path up the center aisle of the auditorium, stopping about a third of the way before reaching a set of stairs and seating herself upon them.

Michelle:  I don’t know where her Queen of the Ring win came from. Do you?

She held the mic out to the audience member closest to her, who had no response.

Michelle: No? Not a surprise. She’s basically as new to this company as someone like Emma. Even though she’s been under contract longer than them. Please ponder this people, when was the last time before Queen of the Ring that the next big thing Brie Bella made an appearance on live tv? Probably the Royal Rumble, right? At least that’s all we can remember, because it was nearly 5 months ago. Brie, you were thrown into Queen of the Ring at the tip of a hat, and now you have this newfound confidence. Good job these last few months racking up what, three wins? All of them in the tournament… Please, so you aren’t severely disappointed, break free of this train of thought that you’re actually going to beat me and become the women’s champion. It's not gonna happen. As stale as you are, standing in front of a mirror won’t nearly be enough to get a victory over me. You’re not this dynamic character you play yourself out to be, Brie. You’re static. You’re just here to serve as a foil to bring out the better traits of someone like yours truly. You play to me. And I will gladly make you look good. The truth is, by the time our match is over, people will be talking about you. Because they’ll feel so bad that I beat you. The fan favorite loses... Again. Isn’t that sad? But that’s how it works. The latest flash in the pan is on fire for a little bit, and then someone comes along and stomps you out. It happens to the best of us.

She grudgingly pointed to herself.

Michelle: And who gets the wonderful opportunity to put an end to the mundane queen Brie Bella?

Michelle stood and looked around at the now surprisingly silent crowd, and shrugged.

Me.

With that final word, she was assaulted with a chorus of boos and started walking back down the aisle towards the stage. The entire way down she made faces at the crowd and talked trash and even forced the microphone into the hand of a fan, who began to lead the crowd into collective chants. But in spite of it all, Michelle found herself smiling and enjoying it. The cameraman following her had made it to the stage before her, and just in time laid on its uncomfortable floor to get the final shot of video. The camera was looking over Michelle’s shoulder as she took a bow then clapped for herself as the most of the audience was on their feet and throwing their programs in her direction. The footage faded into nothing as the sounds of the audience continued on until the EBWF logo appeared on screen, and the video finally transitioned to a blank screen.

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The scene picked up in a dark room with black curtains everywhere. There were two black cushioned seats, which Matt Striker and Michelle sat in. Off to the side in between the two, on a black end table lay the EBWF Women’s championship belt. The EBWF logo was in the bottom left corner.

Matt Striker: Ladies and gentleman, thank you for joining us today. I am seated right now with our current women’s champion, Michelle McCool. This is unlike past interviews her and I have shared. The Summerslam pay-per-view, being one of the most highly anticipated pay-per-views this promotion offers, has called for Michelle to initiate a more personalized interview to share with the fans. There are no outside distractions, and really, no way out. I have the opportunity to ask more in depth questions regarding her upcoming title defense and opponent, so I’d like to begin and get right to it. First of all, thank you Michelle, for allowing me to conduct this interview. It’s not every day you get a sit down interview with a champion.  

Michelle: My pleasure. Except not really, though. I honestly didn’t want to do this interview with you, or really anyone else for that matter unless it were Renee Young, seeing as she has some of what she’s doing. But you know… Gotta work with what you have.

She shrugged with a sigh. There was a considerably awkward silence that followed. Since, as Matt stated, they were the only two occupants of the blacked out room and sat across from each other, there was no way to fill silence. Michelle didn’t seem bothered by it, but Matt clearly was. He blinked a couple of times, shook his head, then cleared his throat and glanced at his cue card before speaking.

Matt Striker:  Michelle will be in action this Sunday at Summerslam defending the women’s championship against the 2014 Queen of the Ring winner, Brie Bella. At the King of the Ring pay-per-view a little over two months ago, Brie was victorious in a triple threat match against a returning AJ Lee and a determined Velvet Sky for the opportunity to earn her upcoming title match at Summerslam. On the climb up the bracket, Brie picked up wins over former women’s champion Torrie Wilson, as well as an optimistic Alexa Bliss to make it to finals.

Meanwhile, Michelle has had two title defenses. She was in a triple threat match versus newcomers Summer Rae and Eva Marie, and later would go up against “The Boss”, Sasha Banks in an interesting title bout. And here she is now. Michelle, you’ve made it far since you debuted back in December of last year. This upcoming match at Summerslam is one of the biggest in your EBWF career thus far, taking into consideration the circumstances and profile of this match. Leading up to this pay per view Brie Bella has also certainly impressed. The EBWF universe, as well as myself, are looking forward to what you two ladies will bring to the ring Sunday.

Michelle: I’m glad you and the rest of the EBWF universe feel that way, Matt, but it doesn’t matter what you or anyone else thinks. What matters is being able to prove to everyone exactly why I’m champion, and divas like the Brie Bella aren’t. I’m not impressed by Brie. I don’t know who’s more anti-climactic, Pai-J Lee or her.

Matt Striker: Now, you've wondering, how can you not be impressed, Michelle? Looking at what’s transpired in the past few weeks would seem to be more than enough. Give us a little insight as to why you aren’t.

Michelle: First of all Matty, just hop on Twitter once in a blue moon. Brie single handedly kills all the buzz going on if there’s any. But that’s not really reflective of one’s career, now is it?..

Wait, we’re talking about Brie, whose middle name should be “Boring”, Bella.

It appeared Matt was about to speak up, but Michelle put up her hands as if to put the entire conversation on hold. But she picked it right back up, not giving Matt the chance to chime in.

Michelle: Trust me, there’s no need to drag on like the rest of the locker room does, about how Brie won’t be able to survive without her sister. Because let’s face it, at this point, the average wrestling fan knows this, and everyone backstage has made it clear that’s what they think too. The real reason I’m not overly impressed with Brie is it seems like she and plenty of other people believe she scratched and clawed her way to the top to get this opportunity to compete for the women’s title. The fact is, Nikki Bella got injured, though I don’t know how because who knew she still wrestled for this company, and while she’s out on the sidelines, sister Brie gets the chance of a lifetime and takes it. She rode a rocket straight to the top. Uhh, Houston, we have a problem. Yes, Brie Bella became Queen of the Ring. She’s extremely lucky. But who knows, if Nikki hadn’t been out with a bum ankle, the entire tournament could have played out differently. I mean, even last week Nikki was there to help out her sister. They ganged up on me so of course Brie was able to sneak in  few punches.

Matt Striker: There are a few agreeable points there Michelle, but let’s not beat around the bush. Much of what you said seems hypothetical and even opinionated. Why should we take your word for it, and not Brie’s?

Michelle: So you want something a little less subjective? That’s of no disservice to me. Brie acts sympathetic to what used to be her non-existent position on this roster. But frankly, we’re tired of that. People are going to—if they already aren’t—get sick of listening to her say how she’s over being in the shadows, and how she can survive without her twin. How she’s done being suppressed and wants to break free of her metaphorical chrysalis and float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. Keep on rolling with the punches and take things in stride, and see where that gets you Brie. Or you could just stop talking. They’d both lead to the same outcome. It doesn’t make a difference. It’s ironic that Brie wants to complain about hearing and seeing the same things from some of us divas, yet she’s contributing to most of it. THAT’S something she is queen of. She panders to the crowd with this one thing she has to motivate her: this whole "wanting to break free of the twin stigma." That's good for you Brie, but for the rest of us it’s about as exciting as watching paint dry. Her coasting will stop here. People like Brie and these new girls Sasha Banks and Summer Rae and Eva Marie claim to be the be-all-end-all to saving this division, yet don’t do anything except wait in the shadows. That is exactly what Brie did at the Queen of the Ring tournament. She conveniently made an appearance and what do you know, she won. She should thank Nikki for that though. Just like the should thank her for her help at Warfare. This all seems like a case of being in the right place at the right time.

Matt Striker: Didn’t you do the same? You did win the Royal Rumble back in January. That itself could be considered being in the right place, since you secured the final entering spot. How is that any different from Brie winning Queen of the Ring?

Michelle: Oh it’s very different, Matt. I built up to my Royal Rumble win. All the way. And I even continued until Wrestlemania. I lost where it mattered most, but at least I can say that I’ve won where it mattered too. Brie can’t say the same because she hasn’t done half of what I've accomplished in my time here. She got to where she is now without doing much. Just think about it. The only other times outside Queen of the Ring Brie has ever been in the ring were with Nikki. And I think the last televised match she was in prior to that tournament, and maybe even the Royal Rumble, was against the Funkadactyls. They aren’t even on the roster anymore.  Yeah, highly impressive……

Not.

Michelle shifted in her chair calmly and took a sip of water from the glass on a small table next to her. Matt nodded and looked up, trying to formulate his next question. His expression showed this. His brow furrowed and his eyes squinted slightly, before he came to terms with what he wanted to say.

Matt Striker: So we get that at this moment, you aren’t exactly Brie’s biggest fan and aren’t very impressed with what she has, or in your eyes, hasn't done. But this is Brie’s first title match since signing with the company. Do you have anything to say to her with regards to her title opportunity?

Michelle: Congratulations. Seriously, when I say this, it's sincere. The first title match is always exciting, and it’s even more so at a big show. We’re similar in that way; I had a title shot at Wrestlemania, and Brie has hers at Summerslam. That’s great… And that’s about the only way you can connect Brie and myself. I truly do feel that she deserves recognition for that. But…

Matt Striker: And here it is!

Matt couldn’t help but chuckle along with Michelle.

Michelle: Yeah, sorry, but not sorry. Here’s what baffles me, Matt, and it kind of amuses me too. At Queen of the Ring, Brie claimed in all the time she’s been here, she hadn’t had a shot at the Women’s title. Hello, she hadn’t been in a single match since the Royal Rumble. There’s her reason right there. That’s a fact. And what everyone else appears to be completely blind to is the fact that the Golden Girl Bella twins are liars. Off the top of my head I can think of a chance Brie, or any other diva for that matter, could have earned a title shot. Right after Wrestlemania, there was a Diva’s gauntlet match. Was Brie there? No. EVE of all people was there! But Brie? She hadn’t done a single thing since the Rumble, like I said before. But guess what, I was there in the gauntlet. And winning that very match is part of why I’m champion now. Let’s be real, even Nikki made it to a show that one time. Apparently it was a one-time thing, but we actually had a match. She showed up. So how can someone complain about never getting opportunities when they aren’t there to take them? This whole story of Brie “building character” by participating in dark matches is so fabricated, too. I’m pretty sure Brie was off busy recording music videos and having fantasy photo shoots to promote herself because she couldn’t do it here in EBWF. Go check out their ridiculous joint Twitter account, and that’s all they ever seem to mention. Parties and photo shoots and music videos. I’m sure Trey Songz can vouch for her. I wouldn’t mind that actually, the man’s easy on the eyes… But that’s beside the point. This was Brie Bella working on her “wrestling career”. Long story short, don’t complain about things you clearly COULD have control of but can’t seem to get a grasp on.

Matt looked a little uncomfortable. It was now his turn to take a sip from his own glass of water.

Matt Striker: Good thing we have these plush seats. I’m not exactly feeling comfortable right now.

Michelle: I can tell.

Matt Striker: I think this is the right time to ask my final question, Michelle. What makes you more exciting than Brie? Since you seem to think she’s boring.

Michelle: This is the question I’ve been waiting for! Thanks for asking.My match history in this company ALONE is far more exciting than either of the Bella’s entire career. Excuse me, I’m about to go into Brie Mode. It'll be slightly monotonous, but of course with my own little flair. There was quite the interesting tag match I participated in, Mschif & myself vs The Beautiful People. Just recently, I went up against Sasha Banks with the championship on the line. The match didn’t fall flat, because someone like Sasha can at least keep people’s attention, and I can admit to that. Then there’s the match Velvet Sky and I had, which by the way, only happened once Brie. And as one-sided as that match was, it was also… Not boring. Then there’s of course the time I went up against the longest reigning women’s champion in this company's history, the Quintessential Diva Trish Stratus. I’ve gone against THE diva of EBWF Torrie Wilson, along with Paige, at the same time, as well as Summer Rae and Eva Marie. And probably the biggest so far, at Wrestlemania when Angelina Love and I went head to head. I lost and it was STILL entertaining! Entertaining… A word you don’t associate with a lone Bella Twin. That's quite an oxymoron, isn't it? A twin, working alone. So my point here is how many of those people has Brie gone up against? You can count them on one hand. Actually… With one finger. We haven’t even been against each other! This will be the first time Brie and I step into a ring together, and you know, this match will probably put me to sleep. It’s so one-sided it’s ridiculous. Where’s the fun going to be in this? Everyone knows I’m gonna win. Please tell me where the history is between us. You can’t… Because there is no history. Unless you want to count the Women’s Rumble. Which I won... And she didn't. I made this point at that pay per view by the way, that Brie or  Nikki, going against.. Well, anyone, wouldn’t be entertaining. Brie’s remained quiet long enough, that’s what she keeps telling everyone, and now we all wish she’d just shut up.

Michelle cleared her throat and clasped her hands together in front of her, resting them in her lap. A complete contrast to the statement she'd just made. Matt raised his eyebrows and shook his head, taken aback, before gesturing for his final question.

Matt Striker: Any last words for Brie before the interview comes to an end?

Michelle: Of course. The only thing that’s going to be history here is you, Brie. And you can’t change what’s in the past. You can repeat it though, and that’s what I’m going to do. Make Brie a loser all over again. I’m going to put an end to this long run-on sentence that is Brie Bella’s career, whether it be with a boot to the face, or a Faithbreaker, or making a poor excuse for a diva tap. That will be the end point. Period. And THAT, Matty, is real talk.

She leaned forward and patted his hand thoughtfully with a little smile on her face, and he pulled away anxiously then put all his cue cards together before the camera cut to him.

Matt Striker: There you have it, you just heard it from Michelle McCool. Be sure to catch her and John Cena live this Sunday defending their coveted titles against Brie Bella and Randy Orton at Summerslam!

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The Afternoon of Summerslam... 


Michelle: It’s too hot. How do these people deal?

As the camera became focused, we catch a glimpse of a rather short and stout man walk by with large coke bottle glasses, a beige safari hat, and matching jeans and button up sleeveless shirt to go with it.

Michelle: That’s unfortunate... I think he’s part Sand people like those things from Star Wars. That’s probably why he’s not bothered by this weather. The desert is like their natural habitat or something.

Michelle huffed out a sigh before she approached someone. She practically attacked him with her overzealous introduction before grabbing him by the arm and looking into the camera.

Michelle: It’s SUNDAY FUNDAY! Know why? Because Summerslam is TONIGHT! Hi, I’m Michelle McCool, but of course you knew that. Who doesn’t? Welcome to Streetwalkers. I’m out on this inappropriately hot afternoon to interrogate people about my opponent, Brie Bella, because I know very little about her. Other than the fact it looks like she throws “out” most of her lunch in the porcelain throne after eating it. I am your host, aka Starlet, and this specimen here, is the.. Well, just look at him, with flawed looks like that he’s obviously the streetwalker.

The guy wore a striped tank and cargo shorts, which was casual summer fashion. for a hot place like New Mexico He was a fair looking guy. Michelle shook her head briefly before smiling to the camera.

Michelle: So what’s your name, Streetwalker?

Streetwalker #1: My name’s Josh.

Michelle: Josh, such an exhilarating name. It’s in the Bible. You know, Joshua? It’s a city in Texas. There are a few celebs named Josh too. Duhamel, Brolin, Peck. But do you know who DOESN’T share such commonalities with wonderful things? Someone named Brie! All anyone named Brie has something in common with is this disgusting, pale, putrid cheese. And let’s be real, that’s not fun. Or interesting. It’s… lame. Do you catch my drift?

Josh: I think so, yeah. You’re talking about Brie Bella, right?

Michelle: Oh my goodness, you got it! There isn’t that much to talk about when it comes to someone like Brie Bella, so how on earth did you figure that out?

Josh: I saw your video from that comedy club thing. Wasn’t all that bad. A little mean, but…

Michelle: Yeah yeah, meanie weanie. I’m glad you got to see it. I wanna know Josh, if you had to compare the way Brie and I address an audience, what would you say? By the way, since it’s my show you kind of have to talk me up. But look, say hi to your momma because you’ll be viral within a week!

Josh waved to the camera before peeling his cap off of his head, revealing a sweaty mess of hair that made Michelle give him a sideways look, before he replaced it on top of his head took Michelle’s hand to guide the mic closer to him.

Josh: Hi mom… So uhh, you wanna know the difference between you and Brie Bella. Seems like every time Brie talks the same things come out. It’s repetitive, like you said in your video.

Michelle nodded her head in approval and looked back to the camera.

Michelle: I have to agree with Joshy poo.

She pulled the mic away from him even though he wanted to say something else. This left him standing there awkwardly as she started addressing the camera.

Michelle: What could Brie Bella possibly have to say about me? I’m fun, and everytime I show my face it’s like this breath of fresh spring air! Refreshing! No one even sees Brie Bella around. Like some mold or fungus contaminating the air, she’s hidden in the walls and out of sight, but comes out and attacks everyone when you least expect it. I can’t see how she has so much to say about other divas when she’s hardly around to see them for herself.

Josh looked around before pointing in the direction he was going to walk away, but Michelle turned back to him, wanting to keep him around for a little longer. He turned back to face her.

Michelle: Josh, do you know Brie said I should be afraid of her? I think she said something about my hair too… My hair is blonde and beautiful because Blondes do it better! I’m associated with people like Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson and Angelina Love. Not drab brunettes like her. She’s got this thing against my hair and I don’t know where it came from. She even took it to Twitter!

She gave him a “can you believe that look” and rolled her eyes. He stood there, smiling awkwardly before shoving his hands in his pockets and shaking his head.

Michelle: But I digress. Brie said I need to be scared of her. Probably to give her some hope… Pretend I’m Queen Brie right now. I know I don’t have a ginormous head and I radiate one thousand percent more energy and excitement than she ever will, but this is just pretend, remember? Am I intimidating? Do I seem like I pose a threat?

Michelle wiped any emotion she had on her face and stared deadpan at Josh. She didn’t say anything. Josh reached out once again and pulled Michelle’s hand up with the mic closer to him.

Josh: Uhh... No.

Michelle reached up and patted Josh on the shoulder. The sun was still beating down on them, so naturally he’d began to sweat. She felt the gross warmth of perspiration touch her fingertips, so she used the bottom of his shirt to wipe her hand before looking back up at him with a smile. He looked down to his shoulder to see what the problem was as she went on.

Michelle: Oh you’re great Josh! Brie is speaking from waaaay down there—

She pointed to the pavement beneath their feet, and the camera followed as her finger then traveled up.

Michelle: And I’m up here. I’m in control. I even command presence just standing and talking to you. I mean, look at you, and look at me!

It was somewhat true. For one, Michelle was standing rather poised, but streetwalker Josh was slightly hunched. And he wore dark sunglasses which obscured eye contact. What she thought was insecurity, but was really… Blocking the sun. Other than that, there wasn’t much to prove her claim.

Michelle: But enough about you and I, we’re still talking about Briella. Have you noticed how long she talks?

Josh: Yeah, feels like forever sometimes.

Michelle: I totally agree! It’s like, does she even stop to breathe or wake her feet up or just MOVE? I don’t know if her feet fall asleep because there’s no circulation, or she talked them into slumber! Nope, she stays put in her imaginary spotlight. Talking. By the end of her little spiels some people have told me Brie is burned into their tv screens. Not like she’d be in the way as little as she is, but it must be annoying. I wouldn’t want that to happen to me. This is all true, right?

Michelle held out the microphone towards Josh. H wasn’t sure how to respond. Of course he’d never had any image burned into his tv screen, but Michelle had an answer for him.

Michelle: Just say yes…

Josh: Okay.

Michelle: I’m so sorry you had to experience that, it must have been terrible. And dare I say… A snoozefest.

The blonde diva feigned a yawn and stretched her arm out to pat Josh’s shoulder again, this time in a dainty way to avoid any bodily fluid. Then she waved to him.

Michelle: Thanks for coming, see you at the show!

She reached off camera and handed her guest a pair of tickets to Summerslam.

Josh: Cool bribe. Thanks.

Michelle turned to the camera and rolled her eyes.

Michelle: I didn’t bribe him, people really do think these things about Brie, because great minds think alike. Duh.

She once again waved goodbye to Josh with a pretty smile and he waved to the camera one last time as Michelle picked up her afternoon stroll with the camera man.

Michelle: I think we have time for one more interview!

As she walked ahead, a woman called out to her. Michelle turned to see her and the lady boldly walked up.

Streetwalker #2: Hey you’re Michelle McCool! I’ve always wanted to ask you a question... May I?

She pointed shyly to the microphone in Michelle’s hand. The diva looked surprised.

Michelle: I don’t see why not. Guess I’ll be the one getting interviewed! Yay! But please, still refer to me as the Starlet.

She clapped her hands together. The streetwalker didn’t attempt to play the part. She jumped right in.

Streetwalker #2: Wellll maybe I lied.. And maaaaybe I don’t actually have a question. I just think you’re a whore and don’t know what you’re talking about.

Michelle blinked a couple of times and didn’t say anything. The woman stood there too, staring right at the women’s champion. Then Michelle burst out laughing.

Michelle: Aww, we don’t know each other but for some reason you don’t like me…. Shoutout Wes Ikeda! Muah.

She very conspicuously winked at the camera before gently pulling the microphone out of the Brie fan’s hand. It was apparent she was a fan of the Queen of the Ring, because she wore a plastic tiara on top of her head and a tank top with a “Queen Brie” logo.

Michelle:  Look lady, Brie Bella is about as generic as that fake ass tiara on your lice head, and that’s a fact. I can go to the dollar tree and get a crown and pretend that I’m a queen too. But you can’t go and purchase something like the women’s championship. You have to win it, because it’s a prize. And going against me is all part of the game. Sadly for Brie though, I don’t play when it comes to my title. I will never, ever let the likes of her so much as lay a finger on that belt. She shouldn’t even be allowed to look at it on tv. So you and your beloved “Queen” can take the paper crown off your big old heads and stick it where the sun don’t shine because face it, who’s the real queen here?

Michelle then reached up and took the tiara off the woman and put it on her own head, and left the woman holding the microphone as she headed back towards the arena. She had “royal duties” to attend to. The scene faded out and returned once more, but this time, we returned to the noisy, fan filled arena hosting Summerslam, with the cameras circling the ring as the women's title match was being introduced.
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